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This is a blog of a single mom trying to make it in the world. Come share the ups and downs with me.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 comes to a close and opening old wounds

Happy New Years Eve everyone!
My big party is tonight. I hope that everything goes well. I don't know why it wouldn't actually! The house is clean, there will be food and many awesome people. I am all ready. I am very much looking forward to starting the year with the people who inspire me to be the best version of myself.
Last night I went to a band reunion at the Shelter. I had a good time, but it can be hard to see people that you haven't for a long time. One in particular showed up that opened old wounds, and it made me stupidly emotional. This person and I were best friends for three years. We spent everyday together, I gave him rides to school, we hung out after school almost everyday. In a story that writes itself, of course I fell in love with him. Of course he didn't fall in love with me. I was content to leave it be, and to just be friends. However, he started to date one of my girlfriends. They got fairly serious and as high school students tend to do, they made out in front of me many many times. It hurt. Then we had a friend from the band commit suicide. It was tragic and sad. I was hoping to lean on our friendship, but he didn't. He turned to his girlfriend, my friend, for support. He would barely speak to me. It turned out that I just couldn't stick around to be hurt. I moved on with my life. After college we spoke briefly once, and in that conversation I told him everything. That was not the best idea. He didn't feel the same way I did. It made him uncomfortable that I did feel that way. So he avoided me. For years. Last night was the first time that I had seen him in close to 15 years. Of course in my drunken stupor last night I had my guard down. I was smarter this time and I hid my hurt. He is now married and happy. I am glad that he is. I truly only want the best for him. However it was the loss of the friendship that hurts the most. We were extremely close. Last night made it perfectly clear to me that if I hadn't messed everything up by having a heart that we would still be friends. Now we are just strangers. I had always hoped that we would have remained friends. Unfortunately that wasn't in the cards. Now as I close out the year, I am feeling tender. I am opening all the same familiar feelings of rejection and self doubt. I don't know if I will be alone for the rest of my life, but it certainly feels that way. It scares me, it really scares me. I never thought that I would go through life without a partner. Without someone to lean on. So, tonight I am going to strap on my happy face and pretend like under the laughter that I am not hurting.... but trust me I am. Who knows, I guess I should share it, how I am truly feeling, but, it is all very scary. Maybe one day I will be able to rub calluses over my wounds, but not today.
Well, here is to a new year. Hopefully I will keep learning and I will find more peace within myself. This is my wish for 2016. I will blog again tomorrow and report about the ins and outs of the party!

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