Welcome to my crazy life

This is a blog of a single mom trying to make it in the world. Come share the ups and downs with me.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 comes to a close and opening old wounds

Happy New Years Eve everyone!
My big party is tonight. I hope that everything goes well. I don't know why it wouldn't actually! The house is clean, there will be food and many awesome people. I am all ready. I am very much looking forward to starting the year with the people who inspire me to be the best version of myself.
Last night I went to a band reunion at the Shelter. I had a good time, but it can be hard to see people that you haven't for a long time. One in particular showed up that opened old wounds, and it made me stupidly emotional. This person and I were best friends for three years. We spent everyday together, I gave him rides to school, we hung out after school almost everyday. In a story that writes itself, of course I fell in love with him. Of course he didn't fall in love with me. I was content to leave it be, and to just be friends. However, he started to date one of my girlfriends. They got fairly serious and as high school students tend to do, they made out in front of me many many times. It hurt. Then we had a friend from the band commit suicide. It was tragic and sad. I was hoping to lean on our friendship, but he didn't. He turned to his girlfriend, my friend, for support. He would barely speak to me. It turned out that I just couldn't stick around to be hurt. I moved on with my life. After college we spoke briefly once, and in that conversation I told him everything. That was not the best idea. He didn't feel the same way I did. It made him uncomfortable that I did feel that way. So he avoided me. For years. Last night was the first time that I had seen him in close to 15 years. Of course in my drunken stupor last night I had my guard down. I was smarter this time and I hid my hurt. He is now married and happy. I am glad that he is. I truly only want the best for him. However it was the loss of the friendship that hurts the most. We were extremely close. Last night made it perfectly clear to me that if I hadn't messed everything up by having a heart that we would still be friends. Now we are just strangers. I had always hoped that we would have remained friends. Unfortunately that wasn't in the cards. Now as I close out the year, I am feeling tender. I am opening all the same familiar feelings of rejection and self doubt. I don't know if I will be alone for the rest of my life, but it certainly feels that way. It scares me, it really scares me. I never thought that I would go through life without a partner. Without someone to lean on. So, tonight I am going to strap on my happy face and pretend like under the laughter that I am not hurting.... but trust me I am. Who knows, I guess I should share it, how I am truly feeling, but, it is all very scary. Maybe one day I will be able to rub calluses over my wounds, but not today.
Well, here is to a new year. Hopefully I will keep learning and I will find more peace within myself. This is my wish for 2016. I will blog again tomorrow and report about the ins and outs of the party!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Let's try this again...

So, once again I am going to try and blog. Life is just so busy working full time and raising a quickly growing young man.
My son will be turning 12 next month. 12! How in the heck has 12 years gone by? Then my mind starts racing about the fact that he will be driving in four years. Ack! He is an amazing young man. Since my last blog we were able to finally nail down that his behavioral issues are actually anxiety. He was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder this past spring. After many nasty fights with my ex-husband, we put him on medication. He has been on the medication now for 9 months now. It has made a massive difference. He is able to actually take a deep breath and gain control. I am happy to report that he is doing much better in school. His 1st semester report card came home with one B and the rest were A's.
I am hoping that 2016 will be a lot more calm. With my kiddo on the right path now, I am hoping to have this be the year of self reflection and self improvement. We all have those things that just get to us, ya know, annoying co-workers, kids, family, etc. I am going to try to go with the flow. I am going to try and be a bit more centered. Will see. I am hoping the blog can help with that. If I take the time at least once a week to sit down, type it out and reflect on everything.
Speaking of 2016, I am having a party here at the house for New Years. I normally have a party every year. I think I have finally learned how to throw a decent New Years party. I am hoping that it will be better than last year. Last year I decided to have a party two days in advance. I ended up with people who had no where else to go. Normally I am happy with that. However last year one of my friends from high school got so drunk that we spent an hour propping her up and trying to keep her from throwing up in my living room. Ick. We had to send her home at 10 pm. So - this year I invited my friends in advance. I am hoping not to have anyone throwing up at 9:30 pm. We have a much tamer night planned. I will have music, wine, food and thanks to my cousin, Cards Against Humanity. Now I just need to get off my butt and clean the house and decorate!
Alright kiddos, I am tired and I need to sleep! Stay safe my friends!