Thoughts on Love

Love is a many things to many people. Some people experience love that is other worldly, some are taken away by it's charms, for some the love they find is the basis for all good things in their life. Some find love in friends, or their pets. Some find it in their jobs. I seemingly found it in my son.

I never felt, as I thought I should, like I would lose myself if one of my lovers left me. I did not cry when my ex-husband and I broke up and I did not cry when the relationship I had after that ended. I don't believe in the romantic love that the movies and romantic novelists push us to believe in. Maybe it is my experience that has lead me to believe this way. I was not always so pessimistic. I do believe in a love strong enough to make you kill and that love exists between a mother and child. Mention to me the idea of losing my son, just the thought of it makes me tear up a bit.

I am not saying that I am the mushiest and most lovey dovey mother on the block. I tend to be quite harsh on my son. Sometimes in the pressure of single motherhood, I catch myself being too hard on him. That does not mean however that I don't love him. Quite the opposite actually. I love him enough to be hard on him. I won't get into it now, but suffice it to say that my ex-husband tends to be the bad influence. I feel that I need to compensate for his, well, lack of parenting skills. My being hard on him has increased my "mother bear" instincts. Since becoming a single mother I have noticed that I am totally willing, at the drop of a hat, to beat someones ass if they hurt my kid. Don't test me on this either.... I mean it.

I never knew that I would feel this way. It is the strongest kind of love.

Fighting Apathy with Anger

All though my life I was led to believe that I would make a wonderful mother and wife. Somewhere along the line the message got lost in translation. So even though I put up with enough crap and did what I was supposed to do, here I am, the dreaded single mother.

I can tell you that this was the last thing in the world that I wanted for myself and for my child. When I found out that I was preggers, I told my ex that the absolute last thing that I wanted was to be a single mother. I had friends that I watched go through this, and I thought with enough consideration and work put in (on my part) that I could avoid it. It seems that the old saying is true that good intentions pave the road to hell. Through fights and apathy my marriage was lost. That was when I discovered true determination and strength of will. I have become something both good and bad that I thought that I never could be.

So come with me and live in the moment for it is the only thing we have.